D is for Distraction
Everything is distracting me right now!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
How is it that I can have one friend who goes to work full-time, goes to school full-time, and has a boyfriend? And another friend who goes to work full-time, goes to school full-time, and is a full-time mom?? These women are amazing!! I find so much inspiration in their ability to manage their time effectively.
My self-discipline is the equivalent of a wet noodle. I have turned to mush since university. I can't focus because I feel so overwhelmed. I make lists to organize myself, but when I start on one thing, I think I should be doing something else. I am such odds with myself.
Example: work me, and real life me. work me is always on time (early even), finishes what i start, prioritizes like no one's business, and can effectively manage time in a day/week/month.
real life me, on the other hand, is chronically late, starts but never finishes, and exhibits a near complete lack of time management. and damn right I put the 'D' in 'dilly-dally!' hey, that's clever. I'm going to change the title of this page. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. I'm not going to encourage my bad behavior.
yes, I know I could have other vices. I could be addicted to heroin. I could be a nail biter. I could be a chronic handwasher. But still, I feel my lack of structure is probably what'll do me in. I guess I'm organized and all that good stuff at work because, really, i have no option. i have to be-- there's no choice. either I am and I can do my work, or I'm not and make it harder on myself and everyone else. maybe I'm organized because I am too lazy to put more effort into the harder work that would come out of my disorganization? or maybe I'm organized because I get paid for it. what's my incentive in reality?
which brings on another digression. work isn't reality. maybe i'll just start classifying the things in my life into different levels of reality and non-reality based on their important to my core being.
dreams=reality, level 1.
meditation=reality, level 1.
waking life=reality, level 1-2.
washing dishes after every single meal=reality, level 3.
work=non-reality.
studying=reality, level 2.
living in Japan=reality, level 4 bordering on level 1 non-reality. It's too surreal here.
well, clearly reality for me is when I'm in a state other that my usual conscious waking state, a state that i've been conditioned to believe is the most important, based on the culture and society into which I was born.
if i was born into a rainforest tribe, i would be able to identify plants and animals for their medicinal uses and as food sources. I would be able to tell time by the movement of the sun, and the position of the stars. i would be able to see Venus is broad daylight. I would know nothing of using Japanese MS Word, of formatting documents, of listening to people rant, of work as a means of survival, because my society in the forest wouldn't rely on that. It would rely on my individual skills and their contribution to the group. I wouldn't feel like I'm swimming upstream against the commonly accepted fallacies of everyday life, because I would be living in a spiritually connected community, one which bases their knowledge on oral tradition, knowledge passed on solely for the greater good of the community. There would be no motives of financial gain, recognition, wealth, power, or fame... I feel like there are so many things that I believe just because people tell me. But if I questionned everything that would be annoying. So there's a bit of gullibility in all of us. who has time to learn everything about everything?
I'm avoiding here. *sighs* I can't believe I've taken such a long study break, and my digression has not brought me any closer to understanding why I do not have structure in my life when it comes to studying. quite frankly, I am herbed out. I just read about at least 30 different herbs, their constituents, actions, and contraindications. i think i remember like, five. Please, gingko biloba faeries, please stuff some GB into my system and help me remember better!!!
How is it that I can have one friend who goes to work full-time, goes to school full-time, and has a boyfriend? And another friend who goes to work full-time, goes to school full-time, and is a full-time mom?? These women are amazing!! I find so much inspiration in their ability to manage their time effectively.
My self-discipline is the equivalent of a wet noodle. I have turned to mush since university. I can't focus because I feel so overwhelmed. I make lists to organize myself, but when I start on one thing, I think I should be doing something else. I am such odds with myself.
Example: work me, and real life me. work me is always on time (early even), finishes what i start, prioritizes like no one's business, and can effectively manage time in a day/week/month.
real life me, on the other hand, is chronically late, starts but never finishes, and exhibits a near complete lack of time management. and damn right I put the 'D' in 'dilly-dally!' hey, that's clever. I'm going to change the title of this page. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. I'm not going to encourage my bad behavior.
yes, I know I could have other vices. I could be addicted to heroin. I could be a nail biter. I could be a chronic handwasher. But still, I feel my lack of structure is probably what'll do me in. I guess I'm organized and all that good stuff at work because, really, i have no option. i have to be-- there's no choice. either I am and I can do my work, or I'm not and make it harder on myself and everyone else. maybe I'm organized because I am too lazy to put more effort into the harder work that would come out of my disorganization? or maybe I'm organized because I get paid for it. what's my incentive in reality?
which brings on another digression. work isn't reality. maybe i'll just start classifying the things in my life into different levels of reality and non-reality based on their important to my core being.
dreams=reality, level 1.
meditation=reality, level 1.
waking life=reality, level 1-2.
washing dishes after every single meal=reality, level 3.
work=non-reality.
studying=reality, level 2.
living in Japan=reality, level 4 bordering on level 1 non-reality. It's too surreal here.
well, clearly reality for me is when I'm in a state other that my usual conscious waking state, a state that i've been conditioned to believe is the most important, based on the culture and society into which I was born.
if i was born into a rainforest tribe, i would be able to identify plants and animals for their medicinal uses and as food sources. I would be able to tell time by the movement of the sun, and the position of the stars. i would be able to see Venus is broad daylight. I would know nothing of using Japanese MS Word, of formatting documents, of listening to people rant, of work as a means of survival, because my society in the forest wouldn't rely on that. It would rely on my individual skills and their contribution to the group. I wouldn't feel like I'm swimming upstream against the commonly accepted fallacies of everyday life, because I would be living in a spiritually connected community, one which bases their knowledge on oral tradition, knowledge passed on solely for the greater good of the community. There would be no motives of financial gain, recognition, wealth, power, or fame... I feel like there are so many things that I believe just because people tell me. But if I questionned everything that would be annoying. So there's a bit of gullibility in all of us. who has time to learn everything about everything?
I'm avoiding here. *sighs* I can't believe I've taken such a long study break, and my digression has not brought me any closer to understanding why I do not have structure in my life when it comes to studying. quite frankly, I am herbed out. I just read about at least 30 different herbs, their constituents, actions, and contraindications. i think i remember like, five. Please, gingko biloba faeries, please stuff some GB into my system and help me remember better!!!
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