Sanely Insane? or Insanely Sane?
From a May 25th journal entry:
I feel like I'm living a huge delusion of grandeur. Am I a megalomaniac? I don't want to think. I think. I feel so fragile and influential. And I think someone might be stealing my thoughts and using them to warp my life. And that is a little bit scary to read and to actually believe that. Someone is stealing my thoughts?! What next, Danielle? That sign over there is sending out coded messages of your thoughts to the world? Just relax.
I am not going crazy. I am not going crazy. I am not going crazy. I think I only feel crazy when I'm around people who don't accept my beliefs and see the world only as some one dimensional purely physical existence, where money, status, and position are important characters and define one's accomplishments and sense of self. Two weeks ago, someone dismissed one of my biggest rational fears and rediculous, stupid, and completely irrational. Geez, how do these close minded lil souls seep into my life? There must be a lesson I'm still struggling to learn. I feel as though I keep meeting the same demon in my life, disguised in different forms. Enough already!
That fear is waking up in a mental hospital. And I'm sure you can attest to the fact just by merely reading my inner ramblings on here, that it might happen to me if I share the wrong thing with the wrong person one day. I just think there's something special about me, something that in the future people will try to suppress, and it's going to be a difficult time for me but my stubborness in this situation will prove to be truly my greatest asset. I don't really know waht that special thing is, I'm sure it will be revealed in the coming years. Right now, it's just an embryonic feeling nagging at my intuition. At any rate, I remember one time I slept over at my sister's house in Ridgeway when I was in university. I woke up in the dead silence of the morning (I had been living inToronto with the 401 in my backyard the previous year.) and opened my eyes and all i saw were four white walls. and i started to panic that someone had stole me in the night, and put me in a mental hospital without my consent. It was the closest I've come, and it was frightening enough. I mean, maybe it's that i fear the depreciation of my mental faculties more than I fear the absolute powerlessness of being strapped to a bed forced to ingest pills that vegetablize my neurons and placate me into an "easy" patient.
and worse, what if I just disappeared completely from everyone's memory? What if this happened in Japan and I was stuck in a hospital for years without anyone knowing? What if the drugs they gave me inherently changed my personality so that even I didn't know who I was anymore? What if this is happening right now and I'm just a figment of someone else's imagination? What if we're all figments of someone's imagination? I would like to believe I exist independently, but maybe that's as preposterous as believing, as they once did, that the Earth is at the center of the solar system. What if those feelings of deja vue are actually the being who has imagined me just tapping into a memory it has, just as the people in my memories come alive for me when I reflect on them? What if my visions are tears in the 'matrix', offering me a quick glimpse at the world that exists outside of this reality? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THESE THINGS?!
Or am I the only one courageous enough to talk openly about them?
Some people worry about what to wear. Some people worry about the exploitation of children in third world countries. Some people worry that they are going to fail tomorrow's math test. But me, I prefer to worry about people stealing my thoughts, and about being locked up in a mental hospital. Maybe a good night's sleep will relieve me of my spider hallucinations.
I feel like I'm living a huge delusion of grandeur. Am I a megalomaniac? I don't want to think. I think. I feel so fragile and influential. And I think someone might be stealing my thoughts and using them to warp my life. And that is a little bit scary to read and to actually believe that. Someone is stealing my thoughts?! What next, Danielle? That sign over there is sending out coded messages of your thoughts to the world? Just relax.
I am not going crazy. I am not going crazy. I am not going crazy. I think I only feel crazy when I'm around people who don't accept my beliefs and see the world only as some one dimensional purely physical existence, where money, status, and position are important characters and define one's accomplishments and sense of self. Two weeks ago, someone dismissed one of my biggest rational fears and rediculous, stupid, and completely irrational. Geez, how do these close minded lil souls seep into my life? There must be a lesson I'm still struggling to learn. I feel as though I keep meeting the same demon in my life, disguised in different forms. Enough already!
That fear is waking up in a mental hospital. And I'm sure you can attest to the fact just by merely reading my inner ramblings on here, that it might happen to me if I share the wrong thing with the wrong person one day. I just think there's something special about me, something that in the future people will try to suppress, and it's going to be a difficult time for me but my stubborness in this situation will prove to be truly my greatest asset. I don't really know waht that special thing is, I'm sure it will be revealed in the coming years. Right now, it's just an embryonic feeling nagging at my intuition. At any rate, I remember one time I slept over at my sister's house in Ridgeway when I was in university. I woke up in the dead silence of the morning (I had been living inToronto with the 401 in my backyard the previous year.) and opened my eyes and all i saw were four white walls. and i started to panic that someone had stole me in the night, and put me in a mental hospital without my consent. It was the closest I've come, and it was frightening enough. I mean, maybe it's that i fear the depreciation of my mental faculties more than I fear the absolute powerlessness of being strapped to a bed forced to ingest pills that vegetablize my neurons and placate me into an "easy" patient.
and worse, what if I just disappeared completely from everyone's memory? What if this happened in Japan and I was stuck in a hospital for years without anyone knowing? What if the drugs they gave me inherently changed my personality so that even I didn't know who I was anymore? What if this is happening right now and I'm just a figment of someone else's imagination? What if we're all figments of someone's imagination? I would like to believe I exist independently, but maybe that's as preposterous as believing, as they once did, that the Earth is at the center of the solar system. What if those feelings of deja vue are actually the being who has imagined me just tapping into a memory it has, just as the people in my memories come alive for me when I reflect on them? What if my visions are tears in the 'matrix', offering me a quick glimpse at the world that exists outside of this reality? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THESE THINGS?!
Or am I the only one courageous enough to talk openly about them?
Some people worry about what to wear. Some people worry about the exploitation of children in third world countries. Some people worry that they are going to fail tomorrow's math test. But me, I prefer to worry about people stealing my thoughts, and about being locked up in a mental hospital. Maybe a good night's sleep will relieve me of my spider hallucinations.
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