like a huge wooden spoon swirling inside me, my life at present is stirring up some powerful demons i:ve laid buried for so long, and with every run i take i feel the toxins leaching out of my sweat, and the release is unbelievably delicious in its comfort.
if i had a yen for every tear i:ve shed this week, i:d be a rich rich girl.
random outbursts of tears. at home. out running. at work.
pull yourself together woman. look how far you:ve come in 9 months.
ahhh... someone once told me they cried over tha fact they didn:t have a garage, when all they wanted to do was kill themselves by carbon monoxide inhalation. and i have to say i feel your pain exactly. not that i would kill myself but i feel like i:m teetering precariously in the balances of sanity and insanity. one has to wonder about such things when one spends an entire day throwing oneself around one:s appartment screaming and crying to onself and trying to beat this stupid fucking negative voice out of one:s head.
get me off this clausterphobic island. my personal jesus christ comes in the form of a 9 day vacation to singapore and malaysia. without that to look forward to, i would be a dangerous person to myself.
oh all of this sounds so horribly morbid and i don:t mean it to cause any worry. i:ve been feeling so sad lately. it:s like those times when i sit and cry about the corruption of power, or about how many people can:t feed themselves or their families and for me my biggest worry is choosing what colour socks to wear. or whining about the fact caesar salad is a myth in Japan.
i can:t explicate it really... i:m sure it:s a combo of many things, i am at the mercy of my estrogen and progesterone levels whose wild fluctuations send me flying into states i didn:t know i was capable of attaining; my brain is constantly on overdrive trying to read and understand and listen and learn to everything around me. maybe this is also why newborn babies cry so much. also having Taka in my life has changes things to, mostly for the better, yet now my lil time pie is divided a lil bit differently. which is good in some ways, being alone for long periods of time does not help my sanity. i need someone to kick my ass out of my appt and tell me to stop thinking so much. and work... oh at least i:ve found a whole new level of patience with my children and have gained the ability to separate work from my personal life... except when i hide in the bathroom stall and bawl my eyes out.
remember how i said i was going to update this page last week? yea, well it rained. it:s been raining for days, and if it:s not raining it:s cloudy. especially so on sunday and monday which coninciedently happen to be my two days of solace from work, further lending evidence to the fact the universe really does revolve around me. how else would the sun know on what days to hide?
also had a bit of a spill on my bike last week. which is utterly hilarious that i:m 23 and still stacking out on a mama cherry. i:ll spare you the gore details but the incident involved me, in a hugely relaxed state after coming back from an onsen, wet pavement since it was raining, and a flight of stairs. the whole affair left me with gravel stung hands, a bruise where my kneecap should be, a chest of bruises after being groped by my handlebars, and a battered and gauged out ankle where by pedals tried to eat me. didn:t feel the full effect of my stupidity until the next morning when i tried to run and forced out an hour of the most horendous pain, feeling like someone hit my knees with a tire iron.
and i think that:s what set me off. in situations like that i don:t want to be an adult. i want to run crying to my mother and have her cuddle me and clean out my wounds with that stinging solution and make me some comfort food.
instead i opted for a personal tea tree oil treatment, and a stiff drink.
as i bought a bottle of amaretto (liquor is SO cheap here!!) and a bottle of coke -- you know something is amiss when i:m drinking that vile shit. i can practically hear the calcium leaching out of my bones when i sip it -- i realized i am turning into my parents! or at least how they would like to drink rum and coke on occasion. eww, all putting the coke under the sink made me shiver. why? why do we turn into our parents? how much of me, and my idiosyncracies, are really mine, and how much are my parents, their parents, their parent]s parents?
i think i made myself sick of Kappa SUshi. or maybe it was because the last time i was there i was bleeding from 5 different places after tha stack out... all i want is a salad. not a salad with noodles hidden underneath. just a regular salad. ah... an anomaly.
... just revamped this page again.. i:m sure theres errors and i assure you it:s not high priority to figure out yet another language. japanese and malay are killing my brain! there:s a place to link pages, which well, is obviously still a lil mixed up so please disregard that and still love me despite my technological ignorance.
i:m buying a digital camera tomorrow, a huge investment, but it may allow me to put pages on my website! now couldn:t that be great? wouldn:t it? like playing basketball outside in the rain and not getting wet.
if i had a yen for every tear i:ve shed this week, i:d be a rich rich girl.
random outbursts of tears. at home. out running. at work.
pull yourself together woman. look how far you:ve come in 9 months.
ahhh... someone once told me they cried over tha fact they didn:t have a garage, when all they wanted to do was kill themselves by carbon monoxide inhalation. and i have to say i feel your pain exactly. not that i would kill myself but i feel like i:m teetering precariously in the balances of sanity and insanity. one has to wonder about such things when one spends an entire day throwing oneself around one:s appartment screaming and crying to onself and trying to beat this stupid fucking negative voice out of one:s head.
get me off this clausterphobic island. my personal jesus christ comes in the form of a 9 day vacation to singapore and malaysia. without that to look forward to, i would be a dangerous person to myself.
oh all of this sounds so horribly morbid and i don:t mean it to cause any worry. i:ve been feeling so sad lately. it:s like those times when i sit and cry about the corruption of power, or about how many people can:t feed themselves or their families and for me my biggest worry is choosing what colour socks to wear. or whining about the fact caesar salad is a myth in Japan.
i can:t explicate it really... i:m sure it:s a combo of many things, i am at the mercy of my estrogen and progesterone levels whose wild fluctuations send me flying into states i didn:t know i was capable of attaining; my brain is constantly on overdrive trying to read and understand and listen and learn to everything around me. maybe this is also why newborn babies cry so much. also having Taka in my life has changes things to, mostly for the better, yet now my lil time pie is divided a lil bit differently. which is good in some ways, being alone for long periods of time does not help my sanity. i need someone to kick my ass out of my appt and tell me to stop thinking so much. and work... oh at least i:ve found a whole new level of patience with my children and have gained the ability to separate work from my personal life... except when i hide in the bathroom stall and bawl my eyes out.
remember how i said i was going to update this page last week? yea, well it rained. it:s been raining for days, and if it:s not raining it:s cloudy. especially so on sunday and monday which coninciedently happen to be my two days of solace from work, further lending evidence to the fact the universe really does revolve around me. how else would the sun know on what days to hide?
also had a bit of a spill on my bike last week. which is utterly hilarious that i:m 23 and still stacking out on a mama cherry. i:ll spare you the gore details but the incident involved me, in a hugely relaxed state after coming back from an onsen, wet pavement since it was raining, and a flight of stairs. the whole affair left me with gravel stung hands, a bruise where my kneecap should be, a chest of bruises after being groped by my handlebars, and a battered and gauged out ankle where by pedals tried to eat me. didn:t feel the full effect of my stupidity until the next morning when i tried to run and forced out an hour of the most horendous pain, feeling like someone hit my knees with a tire iron.
and i think that:s what set me off. in situations like that i don:t want to be an adult. i want to run crying to my mother and have her cuddle me and clean out my wounds with that stinging solution and make me some comfort food.
instead i opted for a personal tea tree oil treatment, and a stiff drink.
as i bought a bottle of amaretto (liquor is SO cheap here!!) and a bottle of coke -- you know something is amiss when i:m drinking that vile shit. i can practically hear the calcium leaching out of my bones when i sip it -- i realized i am turning into my parents! or at least how they would like to drink rum and coke on occasion. eww, all putting the coke under the sink made me shiver. why? why do we turn into our parents? how much of me, and my idiosyncracies, are really mine, and how much are my parents, their parents, their parent]s parents?
i think i made myself sick of Kappa SUshi. or maybe it was because the last time i was there i was bleeding from 5 different places after tha stack out... all i want is a salad. not a salad with noodles hidden underneath. just a regular salad. ah... an anomaly.
... just revamped this page again.. i:m sure theres errors and i assure you it:s not high priority to figure out yet another language. japanese and malay are killing my brain! there:s a place to link pages, which well, is obviously still a lil mixed up so please disregard that and still love me despite my technological ignorance.
i:m buying a digital camera tomorrow, a huge investment, but it may allow me to put pages on my website! now couldn:t that be great? wouldn:t it? like playing basketball outside in the rain and not getting wet.
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